


Abscission

by woa



Series: Trench fics [2]
Category: Marianas Trench
Genre: Cutting, Mild Language, Self-Harm, eating disorders mentioned, hidden crushes, matt likes josh, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-02-26 02:52:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2635337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woa/pseuds/woa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh has fallen into past behaviours and Matt is there to help him</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Matt?”

Josh called as he closed the front door with his foot and threw the keys on to the small table in the front hall.

“Matty??”

He called again as he shrugged off his leather jacket pausing to set the plastic bag he had in his hand on the ground. There was still no response as Josh hung it up and picked up his bag.

 _‘Hmmmmm well I guess he’s not home’_ thought Josh.

A small smile graced Josh’s lips- the first real smile in days. Since Matt wasn’t there Josh moved quickly- almost with glee- through the house. He opened the door to his bedroom and kicked off his shoes and placed the bag on his bed.

Then he moved into his connected bathroom. Josh pulled opened the drawer beneath the porcelain sink and emptied its contents onto the side of the sink. Josh then pulled out the bottom board of the drawer to reveal his hidden treasure below.

Delicately Josh pulled the small metal blades from their hiding place. Josh let out a relieved sigh as he glided his forefinger against the sharp side of one of the blades. Setting all but the one down onto the sink Josh sank down onto the tiled floor. He stretched his long legs out in front of him and moved up against the wall and leaned back.

Then in one quick single motion Josh pulled his sweatshirt off and his t-shirt up around his neck. He threw his sweatshirt in the tub. Josh then focused his attention to the blade. In organized, small, precise movements Josh cut once, twice, three times. Three nearly identical lines just to the left of his bellybutton. The sting felt so very, very good that Josh almost cried with relief.

The past week had been hell. Josh couldn’t even explain it, he had just felt dead inside.

He wasn’t eating, he wasn’t sleeping.

When he did drag himself to bed- because Josh couldn’t stand to stare at the TV or his guitar or his notebook or the monitor in the studio- Josh couldn’t even begin to nod off. He was plagued by his own thoughts; thoughts he hadn’t had since he was a teenager.

 _‘Worthless’ ‘fat’ ‘die’ ‘useless’ ‘fag’ ‘pig’_ his mind whispered.

Josh couldn’t stop it and he was starting to believe the words again. Josh was falling back down into a pit of depression and self-hate. His head had lolled back as that euphoric feeling of the stinging pain surged through his nervous system. He stayed there for a while, randomly running his fingers over his fresh wounds, pressing in when that sweet, sweet pain faded.

After a time Josh looked down at his stomach and his fingers. He was mildly surprised at the amount of blood.

“Shit”

Josh muttered.

He blindly reached out for the toilet paper and pressed some on his stomach. Then he fumbled for his phone in his back pocket. He flicked it on and swore again, seeing that he had been home just short of an hour.

Josh also saw that he had a new message—from Matt.

 _“Josh, hey running a bit late but you still up for poker night at Mike’s right?"_ the message read.

It was sent 35 minutes ago; which meant that Matt should be home soon.

**“Fuck”**

Josh swore, he had forgotten that since tour didn’t start for another week, but they were finished recording that Mike and Matt had decided that they should ‘hang out like normal people’ which meant poker and beer- or coke zero- Josh sighed and then pulled himself up, groaning when his vision blacked out and he felt dizzy. Once he could see straight again Josh carelessly shoved the blades (without cleaning the one he used) into their hiding place, placed the board on top, and then shoved his stuff back in the drawer. Then Josh glance up at his reflection and balked.

“Fuck”

He had been avoiding reflective surfaces recently, because they just made him feel worse. Whatever good feelings left from his earlier actions that hadn’t disappeared at the thought of Matt coming home or poker night with the guys was gone upon seeing his disgusting reflection. Grimacing Josh turned his head side to side and peered closer at his mirror self. It was like watching a car wreck- morbid, disgusting, but mesmerizing. Josh picked and poked and prodded at his body as the thoughts that had quieted as he harmed himself screamed insults left and right. Josh dragged his fingernails over the fresh cuts before turning away and turning on the shower. While the water was warming up Josh bent down and using wads of toilet paper he cleaned up the drops of blood. When he didn’t see any more red on the white tiles Josh pulled back the curtain.

“Fucker”

Josh yelled as he saw his now soaked sweatshirt in the bottom of the tub.

“Josh!?”

Josh froze. Matt. Matt was home.

“Josh you okay?”

Matt’s voice was now closer.

“Y-y-yeah I’m just in the shower. I’m fine!”

Josh lied before actually getting in said shower.

“Okay man, hey we still good for tonight?”

Matt asked.

Josh- now under the too hot water debated whether or not he could say no without Matt worrying.

“Sure thing Matty. How much time do I have?”

Josh reached down and grabbed his body wash, hissing when the water cascaded on his cuts.

“Like a half hour Joshy.”

Matt chuckled using Josh’s childhood nickname since Josh had used his own.

“Right, okay.”

Josh said and went back to quickly washing up. Pondering if he could just scrub away his fat and worthlessness.

Meanwhile Matt moved out of Josh’s bedroom and into his own. He pulled off his t-shirt and went over to his dresser his mind focused on Josh. Matt noticed Josh’s odd behavior- of course he had Josh was his best friend. Matt knew- or suspected really- that Josh wasn’t eating, and he was definitely not sleeping. Matt knew that Josh suffered from insomnia- and all the tell-tell signs were there. The grogginess, the irritability, the dark circles that seemed worse every time Matt saw Josh, the way he looked too pale and fragile. Matt was concerned- too say the least. And maybe Matt had just become hyper-aware when it came to Josh because Matt had known Josh when he was at his lowest. There was also the tiny fact that Matt was madly in love with Joshua Ramsay.

Matt was without a doubt head over heels in **L-O-V-E** with his best friend. And Matt could never have him, but Matt was okay with that. Really he was, honestly, HE WAS GOD DAMMIT. Matt threw the shirt that he had picked out and was going to wear onto his bed and jumped face-down onto the bed and buried his face into the pillow.

“Matty?”

Josh’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“Ready when you are.” Josh called.

Matt sighed before sitting up and putting on the shirt.

He’d deal with Josh later...


	2. Chapter 2

Poker had been interesting and fun. Matt wasn't known for drinking a lot- sure he drank, but almost never to the point of drunkenness he was currently at. Josh tried to unlock their front door and hold Matt up at the same time. It was hard to do, his body protesting, he felt weak and had already supported (manhandled) Matt home from Mike's, wrestling him into the car. Josh managed to get them inside, then shut and locked the door again, before half-dragging Matt to his room.

  
"Get in the bed, Matt. Jesus- c'mon"

  
Matt was also not known for being as handsy as he was being with Josh right now. Josh tried to get his shoes off of him, while he and Matt were sprawled out on the bed.

   
"Stop, Matt, just let me-"

  
His shoes, finally, were off. Josh flopped onto his back, next to Matt.

  
"Joshy?"

  
Sighing Josh looked over, finding Matt's face right in front of him, smiling.

  
"Woah, hey there buddy."

  
_Be still my heart-_ he thought. Josh moved over to put more space between them.

  
"Buddy."

Matt giggled. And shuffled closer to Josh, again.

  
"We're buddies, right Joshy?"

  
Josh chuckled.

  
"Of course we are, now go to sleep."

  
Matt nodded, pulling a serious face.

  
"Stay?"

  
He asked after moving and situating himself under the covers.

  
"Matt, you're a grown man."

Josh was already up off the bed.

  
"Please."

  
"Okay"

  
Josh agreed. After all Matt stayed with him all those times. Josh didn't really think about it as he stepped out of his jeans and pulled off his shirt. He looked back at the bed to find Matt staring at him, licking his lips. Josh shrugged and climbed under the blankets. Matt almost immediately curled up against him. Josh sucked in a sharp breath when Matt began to rub his hands on his bare chest.

"Joshy, Joshy, Josh."

Matt mumbled, eyes focused on the pale skin under his hands.

"M-Matt, what are you doing?"

Josh asked, stuttering.

"Mmmm. Touching. Never got to touch, only look."

His fingers moved lower, from his nipples to his ( ~~pronounced~~ ) ribs down to his.... **SCARS**!

Josh jerked back, grabbing Matt's hands.

"No more touching, okay, time to go to sleep."

  
Josh stared into Matt's dilated eyes. Matt pouted.

"Fine."

He huffed and turned the other way. Josh lay back with a sigh of relief. Then wondering why Matt wanted to touch him _(disgusting, fat him)_ Josh fell asleep. For the first time in 4 days Josh slept peacefully. With his best friend right next to him.


	3. Chapter 3

At first Matt was surprised when he woke up with his face smushed against his best friend's chest. But last night's memories came back to him pretty quickly. Matt flushed scarlet red thinking about how he had acted last night. Carefully Matt pulled himself away from his sleeping friend and sat up in bed. His head wasn't aching too much, a dull hangover, that he could fix with some aspirin and a greasy breakfast. Matt looked over Josh's sleeping form before he got off the bed. The blankets were bunched up high, half way up Josh's ribcage.

Matt bit his lip. Josh had lost a lot of weight. Not wanting to wake Josh up from what was probably his first full night sleep in a while, Matt gently got off the bed, careful not to disturb Josh. Matt picked up a shirt that looked clean enough and put it on, not bothering to change out of the jeans he had slept in. 

Matt headed downstairs and went straight into the kitchen. After taking 2 aspirins Matt looked around in their fridge. He took out the carton of eggs and the milk  He grabbed the butter and a bag of shredded cheese. While whistling quietly to himself Matt got out a skillet and put it on the stove and turned the heat on low. He cracked a few eggs into a bowl and added some milk and he whisked it together. He put a pad of butter in the skillet and spread it around as it melted. As he poured the egg mixture on the skillet he turned up the heat and opened a drawer and got a spatula out. He scrambled the cooking eggs and put away the milk while waiting for them to cook more. Matt scrambled the eggs a bit more before adding some of the shredded cheese. When the eggs were done Matt put them on a serving plate and got out some slices of bread. He re-buttered the skillet and placed 2 slices on to toast. When he was done he turned off the stove and placed the hot skillet into the sink, running cold water over it. He would wash it later. 

Matt put some of the eggs and toast on a plate for himself and left the rest for Josh. Hoping that he would eat it later. Matt sat down at the kitchen table and reflected on what he could remember from last night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end for now.... probably won't continue


End file.
